ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
You Might Also Like
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
a god among men
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
i spent way too long on this
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.