ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
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Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
oh you wanna fight?!
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”