Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
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[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Smallpox sounds so adorable
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.