[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
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The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Awwwww shit.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.