It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
You Might Also Like
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
just gave your address to some spiders
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.