[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
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THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I want to meet the individual who made this
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work