As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
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When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
sigh
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot