‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
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Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
What a chick magnet..
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.