Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
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THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
that lip filler tho
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…