@splendidcynic: Establish dominance at the dentist by hitting them with a rock and asking if THAT is comfortable.
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@simoncholland: You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
@blade_funner: SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
@Madame_Royale: I'm in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they're both on their way to tell my husbands.
@electroskippy: [installing program] Operation Status: 1 min left Me: Yes! Finally! *30 minutes later* Operation Status: 60 mins left Me: Wait. What?