me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
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I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
🛁
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I enjoy a good short stor
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Note to self: always read the final line