Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
You Might Also Like
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Saturday
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I wish I could veto my bills.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes