Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
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No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.