@ericsshadow: [eulogy] "Before we get started I'd like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased's 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones"
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@MomofTeen: It's been six years since my job interview. I'm beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
@Arr: The reason cats are so pissy is they're God's perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
@prufrockluvsong: Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of: -dogs -cars -storm drains -hotels -the street -writers -little girls -the prom
@Cheeseboy22: I could never join the army because I'd never be able to figure out what time it is.