@ericsshadow: [eulogy] "Before we get started I'd like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased's 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones"
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@El_nacho_Nigre: Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming "stay away from me!"
@david8hughes: Then god said, "Let there be light," and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson's nose.
@tudorgrrrl: How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can't get it with a $150 hotel room?
@Scdavis24: Guys, if you have to point your toes to put your pants on, those aren't your pants. Give them back to your sister.