Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
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Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder