even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
You Might Also Like
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
describing stardew valley
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I don鈥檛 think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……馃槀馃槀
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?