Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
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Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Mornin
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.