I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
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My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
This guy’s not having it 😆
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My circle of trust is a meatball
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons