when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
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Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.