@Mr_Kapowski: Even if you're single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.
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@FatherWithTwins: Remember: whatever fun game you invent for your kids, you're going to have to play it 10,000 times
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup? Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
@omgthatspunny: Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.