@Mr_Kapowski: Even if you're single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.
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@ninjadinosaur1: There is no law stating that you have to explain why you're carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor* Me: What are you doing?! 3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
@inanimatecorpse: The bit in Snow White when Grumpy's like "put her in a glass coffin so we can see her decompose" And Doc's like "Man! You're getting worse!"