@Mr_Kapowski: Even if you're single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.
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@UncleDuke1969: Brain: You've got ONE shot at this. Me: Ready. Brain: Go talk to her. "YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?" Brain: Magical!
@ericsshadow: My wife just texted "I'm too young to die" after they announced her United flight is overbooked.
@Cpt_Burnout: REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze. BOOM.
@Maui_Speaks: Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.