Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
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I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Hank is one in a melon.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.