Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
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In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Ion see the issue
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?