Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
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For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Stop sending me this shit.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Fights fire with marshmallows
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.