even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
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Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
another case of gang violins
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!