[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
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ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?