Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
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Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.