Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
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God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
They’re stuck in your pants?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
My dad.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here