[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
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it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Incredible customer service.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!