@somelightcrying: Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you're like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now
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@KevinFarzad: When walking behind someone at night, let them know you're not dangerous by yelling "DO NOT FEAR ME" very loudly
@LindaInDisguise: 13YO: Why's he happy? He got dog-piled. Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down. Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
@iAmDelFreaky: This is embarrassing. I tunneled through my wall to escape work and ended up in my boss's office. He's watching me tweet this. I'm fired.
@themiltron: PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out. PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.