George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER