@Parentpains: Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
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@yoyoha: Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out :(
@MikeDrucker: TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats. TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?
@brianbowman73: How to cow tip: First, sneak up behind the cow. Next, get into a wide stance. Finally, slip the money into it's bell.
@careworn: Why do people insist on saying "You're next" to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?