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Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Finally, a door that understands me
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
These work great until they don’t.