@Parentpains: Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
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@chimneyspotter: DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male's efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain [me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
@EZSherlock: Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn't let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
@lazerdoov: Genie: I shall grant you three wis- Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me Genie: here's the thing Jeff, Kate's with me now...
@MythicPicnic: I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.