Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
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I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.