Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
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You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?