Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
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Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call