Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
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I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes