Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
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Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?