Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
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Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*