Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
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Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat