Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
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Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve