Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
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him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
For those that worship cheese..