Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
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Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not