@mikeleffingwell: Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they're singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
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@novicefather: I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? Will I adopt a puppy with you? You don't know.
@TheMichaelRock: Wife: Where are the kids? Me *turns off router* [from down the hallway] HEYYYYYYY!!!! Me: They're in their rooms.
@Coolisiana: *a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
@shkeeber: GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! DID YOU KNOW THAT FROSTED FLAKES DON'T TASTE HALF BAD WITH RED BULL INSTEAD OF MILK? I THINK I'LL RUN TO WORK TODAY!