Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
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witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.