Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
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PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
just got my engagement photos
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae