accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
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All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Dead sexy!!
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Me too door. Me too.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.