“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
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but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Mountain Goat : )
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.