Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
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*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Your secret is safeish with me
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!