Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
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I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
fourth time’s the charm
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
boat question
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”