Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
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Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I think I’m having a stroke
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.