Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
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A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Investing in beetcoin
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.