@ZackBornstein: Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100's of strangers' mouths
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@thestlouisan: [Health fair] "Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?" Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?
@Prof_Hinkley: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Off duty cop: No *cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro* You're driving great, pal
@SufficientCharm: I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
@LuvPug: *at a pizza buffet in the Midwest* Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza? Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?