@ZackBornstein: Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100's of strangers' mouths
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@AimeeHelene1: CW: What's for lunch; smells good! Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven't found it yet. CW: Me: *smirks*
@pleatedjeans: I should've never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can't do shit it's a real problem
@minnie_in_pink7: My best friend's marriage is such an inspiration. As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
@Reverend_Scott: [job interview] What's ur greatest strength? "I wear too much cologne" No, I mean- "A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator"