Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
You Might Also Like
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Your secret is safeish with me
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?