“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
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Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
lol
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident