Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
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Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
handsome & gretel
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
“What movie?” 🤔
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I only eat vegetarians.